List of my daily oddities living aboard a ship:

1. “Washy Washy” – this is a phrase the anti-bacterial spray bottle host greets you with at the entrance of every room on the ship. Sometimes they get more creative ans say,”Washy, washy. Happy,happy. Smiley, Smiley.” It used to be charming.
2. bum legs – maybe because the clientele on this route is people who may have fought in the military or held a farm/ factory job, or maybe because it’s hard for folks with disabilities to travel and cruising is easy, but I have yet to not come across a limper or a fake-leg every week since we have been here.
3. Chemical smells on rough sea days (particularly the past few weeks – the February winds have made for bumpy rides and seasick passengers. There are crews of housekeeping staff dressed in white coverall suits and face masks (ala E.T.) who sanitize and eliminate the “spills” with strong chemicals that can destroy anything... except carpets, apparently.
4. Twice I have seen denture cream left in a public area. This is still weird to me.
5. Black Eyed Peas “I got a Feeling” is the underscore of my existence. It plays in every deck, club, restaurant, and shop both on and off the ship. Whyyyy?
6. Rumors of prostitution rings and drug cartel on our ship! I choose to not believe this.
7. Obesity exists everywhere but Los Angeles.
8. People still un-ironically wear cowboy hats.
9. Bad karaoke singing, drunken sweaty dancing, and obscene over-eating are a privilege you have earned on vacation.
10. Exercising 5 hours a week doesn’t make you thinner, it just makes you hungrier.

Cozumel and other Adventures.

It was a beautiful day in sunny Cozumel. As I swiped my crew id card with security and granted access to land, I could feel the cool ocean breeze. As usual, the ship’s photography department was crowding the gangplank to sell snaps of passengers posing with Pilipino guys dressed as Mexican mariachi (Complete with an eye pencil drawn-on curly moustache ala Salvador Dali – the signature of all Mexicans?)

I passed the usual sites at the Cozumel port: the guy covered in silver paint and mask as the living statue of Davy Jones (from the Pirates of the Caribbean movie, not the Monkeys), the woman holding a tiny leashed monkey on her shoulder saying “Joo wanna peetcher wit da mone-kee?” and of course the guy who works at the car rental place who has asked me going on 12 weeks, “You wanna Mexican boyfriend, Mami?”

After making my way around slow moving tourists and Diamonds International gals handing out flyers for “free” bracelets, I found myself at my destination... the Bowling Alley! A group of fellow entertainers and I had planned a field trip. Apparently, bowling hasn’t caught on in Mexico. I think it has to do with the fact that it is a sport from another culture. And anytime you see bowling being celebrated on TV or film, it is in a 1950’s period piece. So, it would be the equivalent of Americans suddenly taking a wild interest in cricket. So we were the only patrons there. Needless to say we had a terrific time. Final score- Men: 231, Women (and one gay guy): 341!

Jeff’s Adventures: Jeff has been diving right into nature. So far he has gone snorkeling from a catamaran, hiked through the rainforest to swim in a waterfall, visited a zoo in Belize, and he is fulfilling a life-goal... He is getting SCUBA certified today. Every Friday morning for the past month, he goes into Cozumel and takes tests both in the water and out. Last week he made friends with a fuzzy little octopus. And a jellyfish that gave his leg a “hug”.

Jen’s Adventures: I am also living out my fantasies... I finally went for it! I had to, just once.... The Chocolate Buffet. A sea of chocolate carvings (A rooster, a grand piano, the Thinker), chocolate “sushi”, and ice scultpures welcomed me, as a live band played easy jazz. I ate brownies, cakes, cream puffs, and a spoonful of the giant pile of mousse that I affectionately have been calling “Sweet Poop Mountain”. But, after tasting it, I have changed the name to “Sweet Cloud Mountain”, so good! I had to try this buffet just once. Just once. Okay, I might go next week just for the chocolate mousse blueberry tarts. But that’s it.

Super Bowl Sunday in NOLA!

Last Sunday, against my better judgment, I went to Bourbon Street and stood amidst the drunken Saints fans, the wild Mardi Gras partiers, and the terrified European tourists. At 9AM the streets were packed with Drew Brees jerseys, black and gold painted faces, and the choral shouts of "Who Dat's?". While I was waiting for a slice of pizza (my wild indulgence – whew, I am so outta control!), I heard 4 hip-hop rap songs about the Saints winning the Super bowl. These were actual professional recordings about the current happenings of a football team. Weird. There was also a Mardi Gras parade marching down Canal Street at 11AM. I downed my pizza, took some pictures, and ran back to our sailing vessel (what I thought was a safe shelter from the festivities). However, when I got back on the ship, every television in every lounge and bar was blaring the game. The 800-seat theater on board had a giant movie screen airing the game. By 6PM the theater was packed with Saints fans and the familiar sent of beer. I clearly don’t have any interest in sports, but this was one time that I hoped the Saints would win. (Spoiler Alert): They did. Duh. If they hadn’t won, I think there would have been some brawls on the boat. Amen.

FEBRUARY, PART 2.

CRANKY: Last week, I went to a Wal-mart equivalent in Cozumel. As I meandered down the snack aisle, I came across this treat that is something like a chocolate covered Corn Flake. They are called “KRANKY’s”. And I bet if you ate one, you wouldn’t be “kranky” anymore!

Speaking of cranky... because of the endless goof-ups in booking, Jeff and I have had 6 different cabins in the 10 weeks. And moving all of our luggage every Sunday morning at 7AM is a bear! Last week’s cabin was the worst. We were put in a passenger cabin that was surrounded by the stewards’ storage lockers - full of rolling metal carts banging into the head board side of our cabin wall. There was also this unavoidably large pole in the center of our room that had an endless chorus of ping-pang-clink-clanks to ensure that we awake. It was character building to say the least.

But, no worries, friends... we are now in our permanent cabin and it’s a palace! It’s the size of an actual hotel room. It has an extra storage closet, a big comfy bed, and TNT!!! I am blissful!

FEBRUARY, PART 1.

THE SANDWICH: Okay... I did it. For years I’d heard about them. I’d been warned against all others, the “posers”. I had been persuaded, or bullied, into finally taking advantage of my geography... And it was sooooo worth it!! Yesterday, a chilly but sunny Sunday afternoon, with an empty tummy and an open mind, I entered the famous New Orleans eatery, Mother’s. I stood in the long line of tourists and locals, examining the seated patrons’ plates of delicious home-style, authentic Louisiana fare. And I ordered what turned out to be the first, the only, and the greatest Po-Boy of my life! Holy Sandwich!!! It was a remarkable concoction of rich meats, spicy mustards, and drippy sauce. And even though I mostly hate seafood, I gave in and got a cup of etouffe. I will never be the same.

OUR NEW FAMILY: We have become a bit of a family with the entertainers on board. That was made very clear the other day when the acrobats threw a birthday party for their 6-year-old boy who also lives on the ship. We had cake, presents, balloons and music! It was so fun! It made me miss my real family so much. My sweet nephews!

THE CREW SHOW: That same night, we went to watch the Crew show. It is a sort of variety show made up of Crew Members from all over the world who perform ethnic acts. There is a Pilipino marriage dance which is more like a double-dutch but with bamboo poles instead of jump ropes, there are hawaiian songs, a tribal dance or two... It’s like Small World in the flesh. At the end the production Cast comes out with flags from around the world and sings some awkwardly-written and clichéd song about serving our guests. And then everyone breaks into “We are the World”. I kid you not! And the audience is supposed to feel warm and cozy, but I never quite get there. I think it’s because the dancers arte already in costume for the next gig. They are dressed in tiny hot pants and bras and go-go boots and heels since they have to rush off to dance at the adult-party happening on Deck 12 as soon as this show ends.

The whole show ends with a speech from the Captain. This is the whole reason I went to this show in the first place. The Captain asked our cast to re-write his speech for him. We added a few jokes and some funny cruise humor bits. He did a pretty good job. A few days later I bumped into him on the stairs and he asked me for notes! How amazing! This military man who runs this giant vessel, who is the Law of the “Land” as far as I know, who could have me thrown in the brig, asked me for honest feedback on his joke delivery!