Good news: Jeff and I have been offered another job And it couldn’t be better. We are joining the inaugural cast of the
newest ship to join the fleet. It is a 19 –Deck,
6000-passenger ship complete with a bowling alley, a water park, and
our own cabaret theatre space. We are excited! We will be rehearsing in
France and Amsterdam and London for a month! We start rehearsal in
late May in Chicago and then fly over to Europe. So we are homeless
for the month of April – anyone in LA or RI have a couch?
We are finally into a little routine here on the boat. Sometimes it
feels like being on a 7-day-cruise schedule can start to feel like you
are living “Groundhog Day”. Each week is a copy of the last. I define
each day by menus (“Oooh, it’s pumpkin lasagna day” or “Oh it’s
meatball sub day!”). And while the food stays the same, every once in
a while we get some changes in the routine. This was one of those
weeks.
Routine Sunday: 8AM off the ship and onto sweet American soil. First
stop – Starbucks, Internet and Amazon, call the family, and check up
on the cat in LA. Four hours left to hop a bus to Target and then to
the local mall.
When I re-enter the ship from New Orleans at 3:30PM, my arms are
burdened with bags of bottled water and new clothes. The ship is
bursting with new passengers, a bunch of excited and overwhelmed
tourists in big winter coats bouncing off one another as they wander
around the ship looking everywhere but forward. Cameras are flashing
like crazy. The passenger boat drills begin by 5PM, so I have just
enough time to do my on-ship errands of getting mail and getting a
plate of yummy spaghetti. Then to my cabin for what I like to call my
“long winters nap”. By night, the ship is abuzz with live music and
crowds of nicely dressed drunks. I’m asleep by 10:30PM.
This past Sunday: We had to participate in a 6AM Immigration Check.
Then we moved to another cabin, again, because the new magician is on
board, so we got upgraded! We are living together again, which is
nice, and even nicer.... Our current abode is a huge. It has a love
seat, big bathroom, and more cable stations! I have been watching Law
and Order -- the “Ga- Gunk” of each graphic, the final ironic piece of
dialogue to close the show, the interrupting phone calls to introduce
new exposition... I love it!
Routine Monday: We are at sea all day. The early morning bingo games,
ballroom dance classes, and art exhibits are packed with blue hairs.
Rascals and motorized wheel chairs line the outside of the game rooms.
We eat dinner around 7:30 with the cast. This is chicken piccata
night. The casino is rocking into the wee hours.
They do this show on board called Shippenmales. It is a male
striptease review starring the Argentinean guy who runs excursions,
one of the singers from the production cast (who looks like a seventh grader,
he recently played Peter Pan for Disney), and the cruise director. Occasionally
the Russian acrobat will also participate. The cruise director, who sound exactly
like the Geico gecko, hosts the show with hilarious play-by-play narrative.
At the end of the show they do this
bit where the other strippers pretend to make Paul strip as well. He
faux-protests and then proceeds to perform a provocative tease to the
Moulin Rouge version of the Police’s “Roxanne”. He always grabs a
woman from the audience and does a silly S&M style number where he
gets her to whip him and smoke his cigarette and then he romantically
carries her off stage. It always kills.
This Past Monday: The cruise Director is up on stage, the music swells and he
grabs his “victim”, a woman in a motorized wheelchair who is
celebrating her 80th birthday. Needless to say, she couldn’t get out
of her chair and dance with him. And then when he did his sexy
cigarette bit, her son frantically ran up to the stage and made him
put it out since she was attached to an oxygen tank. The big finale
shtick, he tries to lift her out of the chair and carry her off stage,
her son runs up again to object... so he thought fast to just roll
her, but apparently the battery on her chair had suddenly died during
the act. All of the strippers and some audience volunteers had to
awkwardly lift the chair with her in it over to an electrical outlet.
Hilariously embarrassing. And worth many retellings for the next 2
months!
Routine Tuesday: Tuesdays equal taco-lunches and honey crème Brule at
dinner. Hung-over guests hit the beach in Costa Maya curing their
ailments with more drinking, sun, and Mexican food That night they
move stiffly from over-drinking and sunburn. Never fails.
We go to the beach and speak a lot of Spanish in Costa Maya. We also
go to an Internet café owned by this guy from Pittsburgh who calls
himself Loco Ricky (his name is Larry?). He looks like the black
Beetle Juice. He is really charismatic, and is usually making the
rounds from table to table to talk about his Harley, speak spanglish
with the locals, or boast about his award-winning pizza crust.
Sad Tuesday: When we arrived at Loco Ricky’s Café, Larry was quiet and
drawn. The night before, their chef, a 23-year-old guy named Topo,
died in a moped accident. There were religious icon candles around the
closed kitchen. And everyone was talking in whispers. We stayed for
a while to talk to Larry as he told us heroic tales of Topo (people
always so that when someone dies. I think that’s a good thing). When
he left for the funeral we caught a cab back to the ship.
Then I couldn’t sleep, so I went out to the deck and watched the soapy
foam on the ocean. I should do that more, it’s so pretty.
Routine Wednesday – We have an 11AM tech run. And shows at night.
This Wednesday – We had to participate in the Crew Safety drill at
9AM. Basically we stood on a deck wearing lifejackets, and watched
the small boats get launched one-by-one into the sea. They looked like
little bath toys. That night we did two shows! Rocked it!
Our rehearsal was cancelled because apparently the new Magician’s
assistant is having trouble levitating. I wish I made this shit up!
Routine Thursday –I rarely get off the ship in Belize because the
tender boats to the island make me motion-sick. And I also like to
hide in my cabin and do my Billy Blanks Tae Bo DVD. Most of the
guests know who we are, so we all keep a low profile on this day. If
I go anywhere, I wear a baseball hat and sunglasses (like a People
magazine celebrity caught buying groceries or getting gas). It’s
ridiculous but necessary if you want to get to your destination in a
reasonable amount of time. No one else in the cast has it as bad as
me because my hair is so recognizable. But sometimes people say the
nicest things. One woman came up to me and said, ” I feel like you are
my friend. You are my funny friend. And you made our vacation so
much better”. The power of laughter!
This past Thursday: I ate 2 dinners – yup- the food looked so yummy!
Oh, Billy Blanks is not going to be pleased! That night the Cruise
Director asked me to do a show called The Liar’s Club (aka Balderdash
meet Hollywood Squares). I made dirty jokes about Tiger Woods and
then went up to the top deck for the weekly crew party! And for the
first time on board – and frankly, in about a year – I drank alcohol!
I’d been told by many crew that vodka prevents the GI infection. I
thought I’d self-medicate. (BTW, my current health update is normal
and digesting! Yay!).
Friday – Cozumel – a land of free wi-fi and Starbucks. I spend my day on line.
This past Friday: My flip-flop broke so I tied a ribbon around my foot
to fasten the bottom of the shoe to my foot. I hobbled around until I
found a place that sold flip-flops.
The Captain invited us to dinner. We are hoping to get to eat with
him in a couple of weeks. He is really nice. He told us, get this,
that it costs $310,000 to gas the ship for ONE week!
Saturday- It hasn’t happened yet, but I have no expectations of
anything normal.
I hope all of your lives are filled with little surprises each day.
And I hope you laugh as they happen rather in hindsight!
faux-protests and then proceeds to perform a provocative tease to the
Moulin Rouge version of the Police’s “Roxanne”. He always grabs a
woman from the audience and does a silly S&M style number where he
gets her to whip him and smoke his cigarette and then he romantically
carries her off stage. It always kills.
This Past Monday: The cruise Director is up on stage, the music swells and he
grabs his “victim”, a woman in a motorized wheelchair who is
celebrating her 80th birthday. Needless to say, she couldn’t get out
of her chair and dance with him. And then when he did his sexy
cigarette bit, her son frantically ran up to the stage and made him
put it out since she was attached to an oxygen tank. The big finale
shtick, he tries to lift her out of the chair and carry her off stage,
her son runs up again to object... so he thought fast to just roll
her, but apparently the battery on her chair had suddenly died during
the act. All of the strippers and some audience volunteers had to
awkwardly lift the chair with her in it over to an electrical outlet.
Hilariously embarrassing. And worth many retellings for the next 2
months!
Routine Tuesday: Tuesdays equal taco-lunches and honey crème Brule at
dinner. Hung-over guests hit the beach in Costa Maya curing their
ailments with more drinking, sun, and Mexican food That night they
move stiffly from over-drinking and sunburn. Never fails.
We go to the beach and speak a lot of Spanish in Costa Maya. We also
go to an Internet café owned by this guy from Pittsburgh who calls
himself Loco Ricky (his name is Larry?). He looks like the black
Beetle Juice. He is really charismatic, and is usually making the
rounds from table to table to talk about his Harley, speak spanglish
with the locals, or boast about his award-winning pizza crust.
Sad Tuesday: When we arrived at Loco Ricky’s Café, Larry was quiet and
drawn. The night before, their chef, a 23-year-old guy named Topo,
died in a moped accident. There were religious icon candles around the
closed kitchen. And everyone was talking in whispers. We stayed for
a while to talk to Larry as he told us heroic tales of Topo (people
always so that when someone dies. I think that’s a good thing). When
he left for the funeral we caught a cab back to the ship.
Then I couldn’t sleep, so I went out to the deck and watched the soapy
foam on the ocean. I should do that more, it’s so pretty.
Routine Wednesday – We have an 11AM tech run. And shows at night.
This Wednesday – We had to participate in the Crew Safety drill at
9AM. Basically we stood on a deck wearing lifejackets, and watched
the small boats get launched one-by-one into the sea. They looked like
little bath toys. That night we did two shows! Rocked it!
Our rehearsal was cancelled because apparently the new Magician’s
assistant is having trouble levitating. I wish I made this shit up!
Routine Thursday –I rarely get off the ship in Belize because the
tender boats to the island make me motion-sick. And I also like to
hide in my cabin and do my Billy Blanks Tae Bo DVD. Most of the
guests know who we are, so we all keep a low profile on this day. If
I go anywhere, I wear a baseball hat and sunglasses (like a People
magazine celebrity caught buying groceries or getting gas). It’s
ridiculous but necessary if you want to get to your destination in a
reasonable amount of time. No one else in the cast has it as bad as
me because my hair is so recognizable. But sometimes people say the
nicest things. One woman came up to me and said, ” I feel like you are
my friend. You are my funny friend. And you made our vacation so
much better”. The power of laughter!
This past Thursday: I ate 2 dinners – yup- the food looked so yummy!
Oh, Billy Blanks is not going to be pleased! That night the Cruise
Director asked me to do a show called The Liar’s Club (aka Balderdash
meet Hollywood Squares). I made dirty jokes about Tiger Woods and
then went up to the top deck for the weekly crew party! And for the
first time on board – and frankly, in about a year – I drank alcohol!
I’d been told by many crew that vodka prevents the GI infection. I
thought I’d self-medicate. (BTW, my current health update is normal
and digesting! Yay!).
Friday – Cozumel – a land of free wi-fi and Starbucks. I spend my day on line.
This past Friday: My flip-flop broke so I tied a ribbon around my foot
to fasten the bottom of the shoe to my foot. I hobbled around until I
found a place that sold flip-flops.
The Captain invited us to dinner. We are hoping to get to eat with
him in a couple of weeks. He is really nice. He told us, get this,
that it costs $310,000 to gas the ship for ONE week!
Saturday- It hasn’t happened yet, but I have no expectations of
anything normal.
I hope all of your lives are filled with little surprises each day.
And I hope you laugh as they happen rather in hindsight!
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